7 Ways To Strengthen Your Marriage Despite Mental Illness

A marriage with one or both partners diagnosed with a mental illness doesn't mean doom and gloom. As a matter of fact, it can lead to a stronger connection on a much deeper level. With the right mindset, it becomes both of you against the world while learning to grow and overcome new, unexpected challenges.

Here are 7 ways to strengthen your marriage, but keep in mind, there are many more than these listed here. You have to find what works for your marriage and every season may look different.

Communicate
Support Each Other
Create a Strategy Before Situations Arise
Set Goals As A Couple
Show Affection
Disconnect To Reconnect
Put God At The Center Of Your Relationship

1. Communicate

This is one of the hardest things to navigate in a relationship, regardless of anything mental health related. For me, the word communication might as well be a four-letter word. I'm not a talker and never really have been. For my wife and I, this looked very different after my diagnosis, especially for me. I'm a guy, so sharing my feelings was never high on my list of things to do.

I'm not going to lie; I wanted nothing to do with sharing feelings or letting out what was going on in my head. I didn't want her to think I was weak or falling apart. I was supposed to be the man of the house, and I suddenly felt vulnerable. It didn't happen overnight, but I learned over time that communicating feelings didn't make me look weak; it strengthened our marriage.

When I share, it also opens the door for her to share. Even if we are wrestling with our own mental health issues, we can't forget our spouses still have feelings and hard days also. Saying marriage is a two-way street sounds good, and it may be correct, but you have to make sure you're both running toward each other, not in opposite directions. It's easy to get in our own heads and say they don't care, and that's why they don't ask how I'm feeling. In reality, your spouse may be scared to upset you by asking, even though it's tearing them apart inside not knowing how to help you.

Here are some ways to work on communication:

Set a specific time aside at least once a week to talk, and stick to it. Sounds rather grade school-ish, but make it an appointment neither one misses. Talk over coffee, breakfast, a nice dinner, or even while taking a walk together.
Ask open-ended questions to gain insight throughout the day or week, but don't pry. Maybe the answer will come out during the weekly alone time.
Sometimes, it's better to listen than to offer solutions. I'm personally bad at this one. Most of us guys want to "fix" things, but our wives just want us to listen. Since my diagnosis though, it now works in reverse as well.
It's also a good idea to communicate with close family and friends about a diagnosis. They can help form a close support group of encouragement and love.

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2. Support Each Other

You read that right, support each other. All relationships need both partners actively supporting and cheering each other on to be successful. When you throw a mental health issue in the mix, it may alter the way this looks for each person in the relationship. Speaking from my own experience of being married since 2004, and being diagnosed with bipolar 1 in 2022, it definitely altered what supporting each other looked like.

Here are some ways to support each other:

If you have a spouse who has been diagnosed with a mental illness:

Don't try to "diagnose" how they are feeling, just listen and support.
Research your spouse's diagnosis. If you don't understand the diagnosis, you for sure won't understand your partner.
Don't assume all their symptoms will go away on their own. The best route is to address specific concerns and work through them together.
Don't forget to make time for yourself. You won't be any help to your spouse if you're trying to pour from an empty bucket.

If you have been diagnosed with a mental illness:

I know sometimes it feels like too much, and you just want to be left alone. Please remember, though, your spouse is asking how you're feeling and what's the matter because they love you and want to help. Instead of snapping back at them with an "I'm fine" or "Just leave me alone," respond with the same care and concern even if it's hard. Something like, "I know you love me and want to help, but let's talk later. Right now, I need some space." Then I challenge you to actually sit down later and talk. They need to know where you're at so you're not walking through this alone.
Your spouse may not know how to start the conversation, but that doesn't mean they don't want to be supportive. Maybe you've already snapped at them too many times, or maybe they're scared and don't know how to help. We're all human. Just remember why you got married in the first place, because you loved each other. You can get through anything working together.
They get burnt out and exhausted, same as you. Support them when they need some time to themselves. Whether it has anything to do with your mental health struggles or not, everyone needs time to reset occasionally. They need to be at their best to help you reach yours and vice versa.
If you feel like they don't understand you, you're probably right. No one will ever understand what it's like to be you, regardless of anything mental health related. You have to do your part to meet them in the middle because the truth is, you don't know what's going on in their head either. Support is a two-way street.

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3. Create A Strategy Before Situations Arise

If your first encounter with a mental health crisis is anything similar to what my wife and I went through, no one saw it coming. My psychosis came out of nowhere. I was completely unaware, and my wife was in panic mode. While I was hallucinating and delusional, she was trying to find me any help possible but had no idea what was going wrong. We had a trip to the emergency room, which didn't give any clear answers other than it was something going on mentally, not physically. Even though that ruled out a tumor, as my wife thought, it still didn't help much. Our next stop was a psychiatric hospital where I was checked in during the late hours of a Friday night. While still in psychosis, I checked myself out on the following Monday. Thankfully, my wife made it to the lobby before they let me walk out of the front door.

Here are a few things to incorporate when strategizing:

If the triggers (the external events) that caused an initial episode are known, it's extremely valuable that both of you sit down and talk about them. It will help when signs begin to show up, so there is no debate or arguing if they really are or not.
Another aspect is agreeing to various levels, or steps if you will. If x happens, we call the doctor. If x and y happen, we go to the hospital. Agreeing to what this looks like ahead of time can be extremely valuable.
If you have children who are old enough to understand what a mental illness is, in my opinion, it's best not to keep them in the dark. Knowing ahead of time can prepare them in such a way that they know everything will be okay, instead of being scared about what's going on with mom or dad.
It's also a good idea that coworkers know the situation and have a way to contact a spouse in case things go awry at work. I know this from experience.

4. Set Goals As A Couple

As with any relationship, people have individual goals that won't line up with their spouses, and some that will. The key is to figure out the ones you can work on together and go for them. They can be anything from easy everyday life goals all the way to major, ground-shaking dreams! Setting goals together sets a tone of unity, and the more people work together, the stronger the bond becomes. In marriage, it's easy to lose sight of how disruptive only working on personal goals can be. I'm not saying you shouldn't have individual goals, I'm saying there needs to be a balance of both individual and unified goals.

Here are a few ways to set some goals:

It's a good idea to either start off small or create a balance of short-term and long-term goals. If you only set goals for way out in the future, you won't be able to celebrate success together any time soon. Short-term goals can help build momentum to keep you going toward the bigger long-term goal.
Take some to create individual lists, and no peeking! Once the lists are laid out, sit down over some coffee and discuss them together. One of the best ways to start is on goals you both have in common. There may be things neither of you know you have in common, and you'll be pleasantly surprised. If you don't have anything in common, don't worry. As they say, opposites attract. Now that you know where each other stands, pick a few from each and make some plans to tackle them together.
Sometimes, the everyday noise takes over. Making time for a couples weekend to decompress might give you both the breathing room to concentrate on laying out some goals.
One goal might be to designate a date night once a week or every couple of weeks. I think it's the best place to start with personally.

5. Show Affection

Showing affection can be one of the first things to fall by the wayside in a relationship. It's not always intentional, either. With careers, kids, yard work, housework, and a list that goes on forever, most of the time, it slips right through the cracks. Everyone loves and needs affection, but life is exhausting. Am I right? We love our significant other, and they know it. So we tell ourselves that should be good enough when we realize it's slipping. In reality, it's not "good enough." Speaking from the experience of wrestling with my own mental health struggles, there are a lot of times when affection goes way farther than words ever could. Sometimes there just aren't words to express what needs to be communicated.

Easy ways to work affection back into the daily routine:

If you're not sure what your spouse's love language is, take an online quiz like this one HERE together and find out. Tip for you guys out there: picking up around the house might be your wife's love language (acts of service) which comes across as affection in her eyes, and she just might say thank you by giving you a big old kiss. Worth a shot, just saying....
Be intentional. As a couple, you have to be intentional with making time for each other. Even if it's only a hug or a kiss before heading off to work or when lying down to sleep at night. Taking a minute to say I love you goes a long way.
Find a show you both like and set aside time to watch it together, snuggled up on the couch. Or start a movie night, taking turns on who picks.
Take time to send occasional text messages to your partner. Thank them for the little things, compliment them, and remind them why you feel lucky to have them.

6. Disconnect To Reconnect

Have you ever had a computer or cell phone issue, and the technical support person on the other end of the line asks, "Did you unplug it and plug it back in?" Or, "Did you try turning it off and turning it back on?" That's usually when I get frustrated, but the truth is, doing just that works a good bit of time. Our relationships can get to a point they're not functioning the way they should, and sometimes all we need is a good reset.

How to hit the reset button:

When was the last time you took a weekend trip as a couple? No children running around, animals to take care of. Just you and your spouse enjoying some quality time with no interruptions. I know what you're thinking, everything is so expensive right now, we can't afford it. What about saving over the next few weeks or months with that mutual goal in mind? Will there be things that pop up between now and then when you might need that money? Sure, but investing in your marriage is one of the greatest returns on your investment you will ever get.
Want a cheaper alternative? Designate one evening a week to yourselves. Tell the kids that night is your date night, and after dinner, no one is to bother you. Then follow through, turn the phones off, lock the bedroom door, and relax. Watch a movie, turn on some music, or talk. You could even make the kids dinner, and let them eat, but you two have dinner in your room. Light some candles, and get creative. The goal is to disconnect.
Have a date day. Get a babysitter and ignore all phone calls and texts unless there's an emergency from the sitter. Find something free or cheap to do if money is tight. Go for a walk in the park, or go for a picnic lunch somewhere.
Take a trip down memory lane and do something you did when you were dating. It could very well bring back some of those butterflies in the stomach you used to have for each other.

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7. Put God At The Center Of Your Relationship

You may already do this, have never done this, or want to but don't know where to start. I suppose some would ask what does putting God in the center of your relationship even mean. I can tell you it sounds way more complex than it really is. It's not about how or where you start, it's about the act of starting itself, then following through. God loves each of you and wants your marriage to thrive despite worldly obstacles like mental illness, past-due bills, or unruly kids. He can't help if you don't invite Him him. It's as simple as that.

How to begin putting God in the center of your marriage:

When is the last time either of you prayed? If it's been a while, it's time to start again. If you've been praying by yourself, set aside some time to not only pray together but also for each other. Mathew 21: 22 says, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.” It's time to start believing God can bless you, turn things around, and answer prayers. You have to believe, and then you have to pray. I'm living proof that prayers do get answered. It's time to experience that for yourself.
The Bible is and always will be the best way to understand what God wants for your marriage. Set aside some time every evening to read through the Bible together. Even if it's one short chapter a night, then discuss it together. A good place to start if you've never read the Bible is Luke, then through to the end. It will be easier to jump into than the old testament. The best marriage advice is truly found within this Book. Things like 1 Peter 3:7, which says, "Husbands, in the same way, be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers." For you husbands reading this, it means to be nice to your wife or good luck getting the things you ask for, in a nice loving way, of course.
One way we bring God into our relationship at our house during our evening dinner. Every night, we sit down as a family at the kitchen table with no television, phones, or distractions of any kind. We pray over our food before eating, then enjoy the conversation as we eat. Even things this small make a huge impact on your family dynamic as well as your relationship with God. Like 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
If you've ever been to church or haven't been in a while, you should really consider going back. If crowds and loud noises are too much, start with an online service. It wasn't easy for me to want to jump right back after my episode, so I know the feeling. Find an online service of a local church, and if you're not a fan of their service, try a different one the following week. It might be a good way to find a home church without all the driving around. You have to do life with other believers. They can surround and support you when you need like-minded friends to help you pull through situations life throws at you. Mathew 18:20- "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst."

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Don't listen to what the world says about your diagnosis or what they say the odds are of your marriage lasting. The world can't define you because God already has.

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Psalm 139:14